One of my favorite parts about this ongoing project is seeing in black and white just how diverse hockey fans are; nowhere is this more evident than when asking you all to describe your favorite hockey memory. There are some great things there, whether they’re event-related (seeing your team make the playoffs for the first time, a specific play or save, etc.) or more memorable for personal reasons.

Of course then you all rid yourselves of the sweetness and warmth brought out with the nostalgia by trashing fashion and giving innocent players horrible nicknames. C’est la vie, right? Over to you guys:
(more…)

- We’ll be continuing with the Hockey Questionnaire O’ Doom later today, and again a big thank you to everyone – bloggers and readers alike – who took the time to fill it out. Hopefully it’s been as fun for you guys to read as it’s been for me to compile the responses; if you missed any of them, the archive is here.

And if you’ve hated every second of this crazy project, have no fear; real stuff returns with the first semblance of ‘09-’10 hockey, as Rookie Camp kicks off at Kettler next Monday.

- The Caps’ local TV schedule is out and 79 of the 82 games will be televised on Comcast. Oddly enough the three missing games, all of which are at home – 10/15 vs San Jose, 1/23 vs Phoenix and 4/9 vs Atlanta – aren’t even close to being involved in that whole obnoxious Versus blackout thing. No idea why, but there’s a sliver of hope deep down inside that it’s just a typo. And if not…letter-writing campaign to Comcast, anyone? (h/t Puck the Media)

- Am I the only one who thinks that Ovechkin’s new tattoo is simply Japanese for “Russian machine never break”?

- If certain members of a certain fanbase ever wonder why everyone else seems to hate them, they need only look at a recent post by a certain blog of said fanbase in which the code for the Columbus STH pre-sale is revealed. I’m not even bothering to link it, I’m sure most of you can figure it out.

Never mind that the long-suffering fans of Columbus already put up with enough by being so close to Pi-…er, this certain fanbase. And never mind that these people shell out good money to be a season ticket holder in part because of the perks, like special presales. And never mind that figuring out a code and clicking a mouse makes you no more qualified to perform brain surgery than any other hockey fan (who isn’t a brain surgeon, of course).

The bottom line, and we’ve talked about it before, is that this whole mania has crossed a line from being devoted to your team into a “ha ha we have more fans than you in YOUR building” mindset. That’s not being a fan, that’s being an ass for no reason.

By all means, go and support your team – I’m all for road trips and I love seeing the Caps red, loud and proud, in any road arena. But don’t pride yourselves on abusing unfair advantages like figuring out an online code and tell yourselves that you’re just being a good fan.

Tools. [CC’s note: Please note that this is not directed at all fans of this certain team that shall remain nameless. Only the tools. Thank you.]

- You guys…check out the calendar. Tomorrow is September 1, which means we are on the cusp of having survived another August and hockey season is just around the corner! Hope everyone’s getting into preseason mode – my office is certainly doing their part by making the building feel even colder than Verizon Center (although that’s admittedly not hard to do).

And finally…

- Greg Wyshynski pens a rather ominous Puck Daddy piece today on the early morning firing of NHLPA director Paul Kelly, in which the threat of another lockout or strike is definitely implied: “Enjoy hockey while you can, folks.”

…okay, maybe not so much implied as flat out stated definitively.

It’s a scary thought to be sure, and not a completely unrealistic one, either. We all know that the league still has innumerable issues to work out; the NHLPA should have a voice in that going forward and it’s natural to have some disagreement in this kind of union vs. league setting. If the commissioner and the players’ union saw eye to eye all the time it would be a very boring league indeed.

Still, I can’t help but wonder if they realize how truly detrimental another work stoppage would be to all parties concerned. There is a point where greed and egos have to take a backseat to the betterment of the game, and that point seems to be nearing.

You don’t improve a league and its place in the sporting world by having consistent work stoppages and expanding teams into shakier markets. You improve it by offering a consistently good product, by making minor tweaks if necessary but preserving the integrity of the game, by marketing the right players (and more than just one) – and by admitting that hockey will just never be as popular in the USA as the other pro sports.

When you stop trying to make the NHL into the NFL, you’re already ahead of the game.

Another strike or lockout unnecessarily puts the league at great risk over petty differences and a need to prove who is bigger, so to speak. There were some casual fans who turned away from the NHL because of the lockout; there were others who came on board because of the exciting new style of play after it.

But what are the odds of casual fans making another return in such a short span of time? Any gains made in the last few years will be wasted. Any momentum picked up by the influx of young, exciting stars with which the league is packed will disappear. And this time you run the risk of angering not just those with a passing interest in the sport but also the diehards, the lifeblood of any league.

Can’t say I would abandon the sport or my team if it happened, but as a diehard myself I can say I’m getting tired of the bitching and sniping between two groups of very privileged people who seem to forget just how privileged they are. Get over it and just play hockey already.

Just my two cents – sure to be expanded into at least three or four cents if the potential threat of a lockout should become a reality.

Happy “All Caps, All the Time on NHL.com” Day! Which…basically adds up to two links and an hour of bonus (read: old) programming on NHL Network. Woo!

Not complaining at all, of course; it’s nice to see the boys finally get their turn as we wind our way to the end of the alphabet and, by extension, the end of the month. After all, August is only around for one more day – and when Tuesday rolls around we can wave goodbye to the last completely hockey-less month and look ahead to camp and the 2009-10 season.

Until then, be sure to check out the Caps-related content on NHL.com, as they take a look at the depth within the organization and talk to last year’s feel-good story, Brian Pothier.

And while you’re doing that, be sure to also check out this fantastic new site (h/t to Jessi for the link). Because ladies and gentlemen, Mike Green has apparently entered the blogosphere. Still awaiting confirmation on whether or not it’s the real deal, but it’s a great way to spend a few minutes regardless.

A teaser:

Work it, Mike. Work it.

Part 4 of the neverending survey picks up with some questions forcing people to think outside the box and talk about teams other than their own.

Like pulling teeth sometimes, I swear. Carry on…

Do you read team-specific blogs about teams other than your own? Which ones and why?
Pensburgh, Puck Huffers, and pensblog. It’s better to know your enemies. Jennifer B.

Pensburgh – I like Hooks Orpik. John M.

Not anymore, just before big games and definitely during trade deadline and the playoffs. Puddin_an_Semin

I cruise some Pens blogs around Caps/Pens games to see what they’re complaining about and how justified it is. Hooks Orpik and Pensblog and the usual suspects, but I tend to read a new one each time around. Adam S.

Yes, I sadly endure Puck Daddy during the school day because it’s the only hockey related blog I can access, and I check out The Rangers Report every now and then, I don’t really know why. Maddison

I read lots of different blogs just because there are so many fantastic writers out there regardless of team affiliation, but my favorite is probably Interchangeable Parts, a Devils blog. Not necessarily a hardcore hockey blog, but I relate to alot of the things on there being from NJ myself and having followed the Devs organizating since they arrived in the state. Cammy

Puck Huffers and Pensblog are both Pens blogs (obviously), and I read them because they’re hysterical and extremely enjoyable, despite their frothing hatred for the Capitals. I’ll typically read anything regarding Jersey too. Lauren

Pensblog. I hate to admit it but they are hilarious. Chris D.

Pensburgh; Pension Plan Puppets (Leafs); Second City Hockey (Hawks); Raw Charge (Bolts) Gary P.

I read Washington Capitals blogs. Mostly just to hear about the antics of the players and what they’re up to. I love the Canucks but they don’t come off as having as much fun playing and being around each other as the Capitals do. Which makes me sad Jenn

Just Puck Daddy- because it gives a great overview of the league. Oleg

Pens and Flyers when they lose horribly. Those fans get SO upset!! And they’re so colorful at expressing their displeasure! Sandy

Not too much, the teams I really love outside of the Pens don’t really have great blogs. Nat

Sometimes Pens and Avs blogs; Pens out of boredom, Avs cause I live in Denver. Jacob G.

Not consistently, but I have gone through Caps, Pens, Bruins, Ducks and St. Louis Blues sites before. Rose

I read everything because I’m a junkie. Some of my favorites are the Isles Lighthouse Hockey, Vancouver’s Kurtenblog, Dallas Stars blog, Bruins blog, Minnesota’s Russo’s Rants, and Columbus Puckrakers. Chris A.

Do you think the NHL will ever put a team in Hamilton, Kansas City and/or Las Vegas?
They will probably do Vegas even though I don’t think they should. Puddin_an_Semin

Sweet baby Jesus, I hope not! Cammy

None of them, but please oh please put a team in Mexico. Tijuana baby! Paul

Yes. It will be the same team, only moved from KC to Vegas then finally to Hamilton. Go ‘Yotes. NS2NOVA

I think Kansas City is a real possibility. I just can’t see the NHL going back to Canada. Vegas is just an idea that gets tossed around to get people talking, I don’t think it would ever really happen. Heather

I think eventually the league will expand and relocate to make 30 teams. Two will relocate and two will be added to fill spots in Hamilton, Winnipeg, Quebec City and Vegas. Of the teams that will move, it’s tough to predict but obvious candidates would be the Panthers, Coyotes, Predators, and the Thrashers. Chris A.

I don’t think Vegas is a good market for hockey, maybe minor league, but not NHL. However Gary Bettman is stupid so it’ll be the most likely to happen. Hamilton and KC could use teams. Which is why it’ll never happen. Maddison

Vegas will get some kind of major team eventually, it might as well be hockey. Adam S.

They will put a team wherever Bettmann thinks he can make the most money without admitting that he has made poor choices in the past. Katrina

They might go to Hamilton, but it would be steal from both the Leafs and the Sabres and probably represent only a net 5K per game for three teams over the current attendance for two teams. They tried KC once, why would it work now? Oooh, Vegas would be a fucking disaster – have you seen the Wrangler’s attendance figures lately? Michael G.

I’m sure the NHL will put a team in one of those cities, if not all of them, at some point in time. The next team to move will probably go to either Hamilton or Kansas City. The economy in Las Vegas is bad so it won’t happen in the immediately future but I can see it happening some day. CapsFan1975

It’s totally possible. Whether or not those teams will succeed in those markets is a different question, but I wouldn’t put it past Bettman to completely destroy the league. Sandy

Everyone’s got a guilty pleasure – what player and/or team do you like that you really shouldn’t?
Datsyuk and the Wings. Puddin_an_Semin

Don’t hate me – Hartnell. He cracks me up, I don’t know why. Paul

I have two teams I support, which is apparently not really kosher, but IDGAF. As for PLAYERS I SHOULD NOT LIKE EVER–I enjoy watching Sid play, and am a fan of both Talbot and Orpik, who are Pens. Oops. My favorite player is one of the most ruthless goalies in the league, so Brodeur probably counts there too. Lauren

The Red Wings, they’re just so darn talented – plus if Detroit didn’t have the Wings the population would all shrivel up and die. ValleyCapsFan

I’m in love with Marc Savard. But Boston fans are nasty. Katie E.

That I shouldn’t … maybe Jeff Carter. Or Parise. I don’t *hate* Hartnell anymore, does that count? Sarah

Henrik Zetterberg Nic

Because I have friends from Philly, I don’t hate them as much as I should. Plus I think Mike Richards is pretty damned good and would love to see him in a Caps uniform. Chris A.

Player: Luke Schenn. Team: Evgeni Malkin keeps making me somewhat care about the Penguins, damn him. Maddison

The entire Capitals organization is my guilty pleasure. It should be programmed into my DNA to dislike them but I just cant, and never have. Cammy

Malkin Jacob G.

Jeff Carter (Flyers should not be attractive). Suzanne

I was a Pens fan for the first year or so of my hockey fandom in the early 90s. One day I realized I could see all, or nearly all, the Caps games on TV and might get 5-10 Pens games if I was lucky. The choice was a no-brainer and I’ve been cheering for the right team ever since. I was a closet Pens fan for years afterwards, but that Crosby has more or less purged me of it. Adam S.

Ovechkin and Gagne. Nat

I really like the Dallas Stars for some reason, Ott cracks me up (even though everyone else hates him). DishingItOut

Well, Corey Perry started out as being on my “Kick in the shins and run list”, then he became a guilty pleasure, now I fully embrace my enjoyment of his dirty play. Katrina

I really like Alexander Semin. And I like the Penguins – hate their fans and the Cros-baby, but like the Penguins in general. Michael G.

What do you mean still liking Paul Kariya is weird? He still plays really well (/denial), and he doesn’t do asshole things (/serious denial). He’s not really just mooching right now.(/get her help!Denial!) Rose

Scott Hartnell (only if he were on our team – but better that we got Knuble); Boston Bruins Nancy

My love for the Capitals is not a guilty pleasure. I have justified it as them being the Eastern team I love. It gets a little hazy when they play the Canucks and I lean towards cheering for the Capitals, though. Therefore, my guilty pleasure is Evgeni Malkin and somewhat Sidney Crosby on certain days. He’d be a lot better if he would just shut his mouth when talking to the media and infuse himself with some of Ovie’s personality lol. And be able to… joke and not take everything so seriously. Jenn

Mike Richards for the Flyers and Malkin for the Penguins. Ack, it pains me to say it. Katie N.

Detroit. I’ve been playing and watching the game too long to not admit that they are fascinating to watch when it comes to positioning and the way they move the puck. Despite what happened this year in the finals, I still believe they may be light-years ahead of any other team. They will contend again next year, and the year after that, and so on. Alex M.

Player: Alex Kovalev and Alex Radulov; Team: The Russian team of 2008 CapsFan1975

I have total respect for the Nashville Predators. Sandy

What team has improved the most this summer?
Rangers Puddin_an_Semin

Could be Habs but I think with adding Morrison/Knuble and key coaching moves, folks not paying attention will be shocked by the Capitals. But it’s mostly going to do with Bob Wood addition, imo. Hannah S.

Honestly, I’m not sure. I really love the changes we’ve made (both Bs and Caps). I was pretty alarmed at losing Aaron Ward but I think Morris will work out well. Us getting Knuble and Morrison is really just what we needed so I’m happy about that. Overall improvement…hell, I almost want to say Philly, but their goaltending situation is something I’d personally not be enthused about. Emery and Boucher? IDK if they’ll win anyone a Cup. Lauren

Caps Nancy

Welp, not the Blackhawks. Katie N.

Perhaps Montreal, could go either way with them. I think the Caps did well, but I’m biased. Adam S.

Calgary looks strong, Chicago looks strong, Philly looks strong. Sandy

Not mine. [Canucks] Jenn

Leafs. Or Lightning (it’s not hard to move up from “trainwreck”). Gary P.

PLEASE HOCKEY GODS LET IT BE THE BLACKHAWKS!!! Um, I mean… I think the Islanders have to be better this year, right? Heather

Canadiens, if they can make all the new parts fit together. Michael G.

Quietly, I think the Kings have. I also think the Isles have done a good job with all the goalies. Sue

Summer isn’t quite over yet, but I hope it’s us (Nashville)! It’d be nice to make the playoffs this year… Rose

It’s been kind of a rough summer for Senators fans, even with the addition of the great and talented savior Alex Kovalev. And as we Caps fans all know, the best way to deal with tough times is to have a great sense of humor. That’s why there are so many funny Caps fans…they’ve had a ton of practice.

At any rate, one of the funniest Sens fans around has to be SLC of Five for Smiting – and amazingly enough he was willing to take on this nutty challenge and entertain a bunch of bored Caps fans. I only needed to do a little blackmailing (and appeal to a little sense of divisional rivalry) to get it done.

SLC, the spotlight’s all yours:

What is the first jersey you ever owned?
When I was about 8, my dad bought me a Habs jersey from Canadian Tire, the (then) home white. It had no name, no number and no crest, just a white jersey with red and blue stripes around the waist and at the end of each sleeve. I spent the next few winters at the neighbourhood rink being pummeled as a poseur. Did I mention my dad is a Leafs fan?

What is the last piece of hockey memorabilia – jerseys, cards, figurines, etc. – you purchased?
I’m happy to say that I have not spent any of own my money on anything Senators related since 1992, when I bought my #13 Jamie Baker jersey (which still hangs proudly in my closet, thank you very much). Here’s a hint, kids. If you’re a big fan of the local team, whichever that may be, just tell everyone that you’ve dedicated an entire room in your house to that team and now need to decorate it. Presto! Instant gift registry. Christmas, birthdays, Festivus, Kwanza, whatever…you are now the easiest person on the planet to buy for. Just sit back and let the merch wash over you in all of its tacky, slightly pointy glory.

Keep your ticket stubs or throw them away?
Depends on the game, really. My stubs from Ottawa’s first home playoff game against the Sabres in ’97 have been lovingly encased in a shadow box along with the accompanying WOO-HOO towel (not as dirty as it sounds) and hung on my Man Room wall. A Tuesday night in February against Atlanta? Not so much.

Who has the more intriguing hair – Brian Engblom or Barry Melrose?
No contest, Engblom. The man’s head defies gravity. Seriously, before he dialed it back at (I presume) the behest of his Versus/NBC Overlords, you could hide an entire family of migrant fruit pickers in that glorious mullet, and no one would have ever noticed.

What current rule or penalty would you remove from the game and why?
Instigator…in a heart beat. ‘Cause sometimes the douchebags just gotta pay.

What one rule or penalty would you add?
Not so much add, as refine. If someone gets called for diving, then there is no offsetting minor to the other team. It was either a hook, or a dive. It can’t be both.

Forget predictions and rankings and who finished where last year – all logic aside, what two teams (one East, one West) would you love to see compete for the Cup this year?
Ottawa (natch) and Anaheim. They owe us a rematch. And this time, they won’t have Chris Pronger and his flying elbows of death. Huh? WILL YA?!?! NO YA WON’T!! OHHH! NOT SO TOUGH NOW ARE YA?? GODDAMNED BUNCH OF CHEAP SHOT BASTARDS!!! YOU STOLE IT!! YOU STOLE OUR PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!!!! Ahem…I’m sorry, what was the question again?

Complete this sentence: The next Winter Classic should be between the Maple Leafs and the Sabres, and take place at the North Pole. On an ice floe, surrounded by starving polar bears. During a hurricane.

More disturbing image – Crosby with a “mustache” or Crosby in bed with the Cup?
Frankly, Crysby in bed with anything is the stuff of nightmare fuel, but I’ll have to go with the ‘stache. Dude looked like my Grade 8 yearbook picture. That was just bloody awful.

Which team has the best mascot?
Whichever one finally manages to get one of those stupid mashed up hotdogs to my nosebleed seat gets my vote. Seriously. It’s a freakin’ BAZOOKA! How hard can it be??

Whose press conference would you rather listen to – John Tortorella, Bruce Boudreau or Ron Wilson?
Torts, in a walk. It doesn’t matter what he’s talking about or to whom, but you always get the impression that, at any second, he could go batshit insane and start chewing on somebody’s face while wailing like a banshee. You don’t get that with the other two so much.

Who is your favorite all-time player? Who is your favorite active player? (Can be the same person.)
All time? I’d have to go with Larry Robinson. Quiet, stoic, rock solid, relentless…and would kill you with his bare hands if you so much as looked at his goalie the wrong way. That’s the way I like my heroes, quietly psychopathic. Among active players, I’ll say Jarome Iginla, for much the same reason.

Give us your favorite hockey saying that doubles as a dirty euphemism.
“I Would Very Much Like To Engage In Sexual Congress In Such A Fashion That We May Both Enjoy The Hockey Game Whilst Also Allowing Me A Convenient Location To Rest My Beverage”…a.k.a. The Savardian Spin-o-rama. Thank you, Danny Gallivan.

What game(s) on your team’s schedule are you most looking forward to this season?
Every game against Toronto. We got your truculence right here, boyos.

Do you read team-specific blogs about teams other than your own? Which ones and why?
Four Habs Fans tops the list, of course. They’re smart (even for a bunch of lawyers), passionate, know their shit, are funny as hell, and the boobies don’t hurt either. Next up on my daily rounds are Pension Plan Puppets and Down Goes Brown. They both serve to remind me that not all Leaf fans are mouth breathing troglodytes.

Do you think the NHL will ever put a team in Hamilton, Kansas City and/or Las Vegas?
Well, Jimmy Balls has pretty much wrecked Hamilton for us (thanks, jerk) and K.C. has built that beautiful new rink with nobody to play in it (seriously, who does that??), so my money is on Vegas (see what I did there?), only because it makes the least amount of sense. That’s just the way Gary rolls.

Everyone’s got a guilty pleasure – what player and/or team do you like that you really shouldn’t?
I have to confess a weak spot for the Flyers (sorry Caps fans), but only for their home crowd. God what I would give to hear that kind of noise at ScotiaBank Place.

What team has improved the most this summer?
Calgary. They’ll be skating 16 guys in March to stay under the cap, but that is one scary-ass D they’ve got goin’ on.

What is your favorite hockey memory?
Gretzky to Lemieux, ’87 Canada Cup, followed closely by the Piestany Punch Up at the ’87 World Juniors. Come to think of it, 1987 pretty much rocked if you were Canadian…and a raging cauldron of teenage testosterone.

Which team has the worst jersey? How about the worst third/specialty jersey?
Hands down worst jersey: Nashville. As near as I can figure, the thinking went something like this: “Hey, I know! Let’s introduce a brand new sport to a bunch of southerners who’ve never heard of it before by invoking an animal that’s been extinct for a hundred million years! Oooh! Oooh! And then, in order to convey how fierce and tough they are, we’ll colour them….BABY BLUE! HIGH FIVES!”. Third jersey honours go, sadly, to my very own Ottawa Senators. Those black “SENS” jobs are an abomination before the eyes of man and God.

Roll out your favorite homemade player nickname(s).
Courtesy of FHF: Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn. Little and Big Tits, respectively (or is it the other way around? I can never keep them straight). WHAT???

If you could move any uprooted team (e.g. Quebec Nordiques, Hartford Whalers, etc.) back to their original home, which one would you move?
Easy. The Yotes back to Winnipeg. And I’d make Gary Bettman kiss the ass of every Jets season ticket holder on opening night as an apology for letting them go in the first place.

What will Jeremy Roenick’s next career move be?
ShamWow guy. Only with slightly less punching of the hookers.

Have you ever stopped rooting for one hockey team and started rooting for another? If so, what made you switch?
I grew up a Habs fan in Cornwall, Ontario, which meant my allegiance was more one of geographical convenience than anything else. When the League saw fit to restore Ottawa’s soul, so carelessly discarded in 1934, the decision to go all-in was an easy one. Haven’t looked back since.

Who had the better mug shot, Kane or Finley?
Neither. I’ll go with the Staals.

Do you follow other sports besides hockey or are you a one-sport fan?
I am a ridiculously obsessed NFL fan (GO SKINS!). Everyone who knows me well enough, knows not to bother me on Sundays between the hours of 10:00am and 11:30pm unless someone to whom I am immediately related is dying. And even then…only if I like them. I’m an unapologetic sports fanatic. Hockey season rolls into NASCAR and golf, which rolls into baseball and football, which rolls back into hockey. In short, my beautiful and ridiculously patient wife never gets an off-season.

Which free agent acquisition do you think will have the biggest impact on his new team?
Jay Bouwmeester, Calgary. Have I mentioned how scary that D is going to be next year?

Of the five lottery teams last season (Tampa, Atlanta, NY Islanders, Phoenix, Colorado) which one(s) will make the playoffs this year?
None of the above, although the Bolts are probably the closest. I’d almost be tempted to put the Isles on that list, but you just know they’ll somehow find a way to screw up John Tavares.

What is your favorite hockey reference in a non-hockey movie/TV episode?
“Well zippity-doo-dah. You and your code plead not guilty and you’ll be in jail for the rest of your life. Do what I’m telling you and you’ll be home in six months. Do it, Harold. Six months. It’s nothing. It’s a hockey season”. – A Few Good Men

What player from any other team would you love to have on your team?
Ovie. Perhaps something can be arranged? We have this rather disgruntled left winger you see…

Superlative time!
· Best one-on-one offensive player: Alex Ovechkin
· Best one-on-one defenseman: Zdeno Chara (*sob!*)
· Best assist man: Jason Spezza (No, really!)
· Best pure goal scorer: Ilya Kovalchuk
· Power-play specialist: Alex Kovalev (WHEE!)
· Shorthanded specialist: Antoine Vermette
· Worst referee: Dan Marouelli. He hates us and I’ve never been able to figure out why.
· Goalie when you need one save: Tim Thomas
· The guy a lot of people have never heard of (but should have): Brad Winchester, LW, St. Louis Blues. 6 feet, 5 inches of mean, coming off a career year.
· When it gets chippy: Zdeno Chara (*SOB!!*)
· Coach for a must-win game: Mike Babcock.
· Get under your skin guy: Darcy FUCKING Tucker
· The home crowd: Montreal
· Worst arena to play in as a visitor: Whatever the Flyers are calling their rink this week.
· Worst arena to play in as the home team: Phoenix. Where the hell is everybody?

And finally, quick picks. Do you prefer:
· Crosby or Ovechkin? Ovechkin
· Ovechkin or Malkin? Ovechkin
· Overtime or shootout? Shootout but only in the regular season. You will take away my playoff 5-on-5, play-until-somebody-scores when you pry it from my cold dead hand.
· 4-on-3 or 5-on-4? 5-on-4
· Sakic or Yzerman? Yikes, tough one. Yzerman.
· Kerry Fraser or Bill McCreary? Meteor.
· Montreal Forum or Maple Leaf Gardens? Forum, if only for the hotdogs. Oh, and the lack of pedophiles. That counts too.
· Roy or Brodeur? Brodeur. Never thinks he’s bigger than the team.
· Touch-up icing or no-touch icing? No touch.
· Fedorov or Mogilny? Mogilny.
· Top shelf or five hole? Top shelf.
· Eddie Olczyk or Pierre McGuire? Um…can I get that meteor back?
· Slapshot or wrist shot? Slapshot.
· Orr or Coffey? Orr. Without Orr there is no Coffey.
· Coffee or tea? Coffee.
· Canada or Russia? I’m not even dignifying that with an answer YA PINKO COMMIE BASTARDS!! I’m sorry, what was the question?
· Miracle or Mighty Ducks? Miracle. I watched the real game live, thanks to a bad flu that kept me out of school that day. And besides, Emilio will never rock the polyester like Kurt Russell.

The Peerless Prognosticator takeover of the Cheap Seats continues! If you don’t know by now, Peerless has quite the family tree – either that or many, MANY voices in his head. And two of his more, shall we say, opinionated cousins make the occasional cameo appearance over at TPP to the delight (or fear) of so many. So naturally I was thrilled to get this note from Peerless himself:

“The cousins – Cheerless and Fearless – felt left out and threatened to boycott the season. We were tempted to call their bluff. But then we thought, oh what the heck…so here are their responses…”

Hey, I’m not going to be responsible for the tears and boycotts of these two mentally disturbed well-respected members of the hockey community! Take it away, cousins…

[CC's Note: The views expressed by Fearless and Cheerless are strictly those of the Peerless cousins and do not necessarily reflect the official policy, position, or opinions of the Cheap Seats. Oh, and Penguins/Islanders fans, beware.]

What is the first jersey you ever owned?
Fearless… A Gretzky Vaughn Nationals road jersey.
Cheerless… uh, this one…

…and them’s good eatin’, too.

What is the last piece of hockey memorabilia – jerseys, cards, figurines, etc. – you purchased?
Fearless… A Michel Belhumeur game-worn jersey, complete with all the burn marks on the back where the goal light singed the fabric.
Cheerless… ya know those decks of playing cards with nekkid wimmen? I got one of the 75-76 Kansas City Scouts. Is it wrong that I think Randy Rota was dreamy?

Keep your ticket stubs or throw them away?
Fearless… I have them catalogued and cross-referenced by season, opponent, player, and number of beers consumed. There are a lot of beers under “1974-1975” and “Jagr.”
Cheerless… I keep ‘em. Every once in a while some of that jersey gets stuck in my tooth, and those stubs are good fer cleanin’ that stuff out.

Who has the more intriguing hair – Brian Engblom or Barry Melrose?
Fearless… Melrose. How a guy could manage that much slicky-do and still have that wind-blown look is a marvel.
Cheerless… I’m gonna go with that Buccigross fella. I didn’t know they sold that color in the drug store. The last time I saw that color was on a crayon box.

Who is the most underrated player in the league? The most overrated?
Fearless… Underrated? Brendan Witt. Here’s a guy who was a minus-34 in 65 games. He can’t be that bad. Somebody thought enough of him to keep putting him out there every night.
Cheerless… Overrated? Riku Helenius. Yeah, he has a GAA of 0.00 and a save percentage of 1.000, but he only played 6:52 all season and faced two shots. Folks in Tampa are probably wondering why he didn’t get any Vezina Trophy votes.

What current rule or penalty would you remove from the game and why?
Fearless… the instigator
Cheerless… abuse of officials. Frankly, they could use a little more abuse.

What one rule or penalty would you add?
Fearless… Could we have penalties on announcers? I’d like to give that Rick Jeanneret a game misconduct. He sounds like a duck on helium.
Cheerless… The imitator penalty.
Fearless… Don’t you mean “instigator?” That’s already in there.
Cheerless… No, imitator. Like when Sidney Crosby imitates Michael Phelps at the start of a swim race?

Forget predictions and rankings and who finished where last year – all logic aside, what two teams (one East, one West) would you love to see compete for the Cup this year?
Fearless… The Islanders and the Coyotes. The NHL Network needs a new series of bloopers.
Cheerless… I don’t care, just so long as Andres Cantor does the play-by-play…

Complete this sentence:
Cheerless…The next Winter Classic should be between the Charlestown Chiefs and Mystery, Alaska, and take place in the Fort Wayne, Indiana Wal-Mart parking lot. They won’t even need ice.
Fearless… works for me.

More disturbing image – Crosby with a “mustache” or Crosby in bed with the Cup?
Cheerless… Gee, thanks fer askin’… now I’m gonna be up all night wondering how Crosby got that “mustache.”
Fearless… I got nothing after that.

Which team has the best mascot?
Cheerless… Tampa Bay. Those Lightning Girls are great mascots.
Fearless… They’re not mascots, you idiot. They’re in-game entertainment.
Cheerless… Hey, I saw their picture. It was an honest mistake.

Whose press conference would you rather listen to – John Tortorella, Bruce Boudreau or Ron Wilson?
Fearless… I like Ron Wilson. So erudite…
Cheerless… So what?
Fearless… Erudite. It means knowledgeable.
Cheerless… Well, I like that Tortorella guy… he’s like dynamite. That means “blowed up.”

Who is your favorite all-time player? Who is your favorite active player? (Can be the same person.)
Cheerless… I like that San-Looee guy in Tampa.
Fearless… yeah, and you like midget wrestling, too.
Cheerless… yeah, and if that Theo Fleury guy comes back, maybe we can watch some o’ that at the game.

Give us your favorite hockey saying that doubles as a dirty euphemism.
Fearless… He unloads the big slapper.
Cheerless… I don’t know about you, but when my euphemism gets dirty, I take a shower.

What game(s) on your team’s schedule are you most looking forward to this season?
Fearless… The first one…it’s been a long summer.
Cheerless… The last one, the one where they skate around with the bowl.
Fearless… Cup.
Cheerless… Obviously, you don’t know nuthin’ about dishes.
Fearless… This from a guy whose salad bowls have “Tubby’s Barbecue” on the side.

Do you read team-specific blogs about teams other than your own? Which ones and why?
Fearless… Well, I read The Peerless. His mix of wit and knowledge is the perfect complement to any NHL fan’s enjoyment of the game.
Cheerless… psst…he ain’t sent us the check yet.

Do you think the NHL will ever put a team in Hamilton, Kansas City and/or Las Vegas?
Fearless… Yup, and as soon as those teams are set up in Kansas City and Las Vegas, Jim Balsillie will try to move them to Hamilton.
Cheerless… When are they going to put a team on Long Island?

Everyone’s got a guilty pleasure – what player and/or team do you like that you really shouldn’t?
Cheerless… The Seibu Prince Rabbits.
Fearless… They aren’t icing a team next year.
Cheerless… Yeah, I know. Did I say they was good eatin’?

What team has improved the most this summer?
Cheerless… The Islander Ice Girls.
Fearless… Hockey team, you idiot.
Cheerless… Hey, it’s not my fault the Ice Girls could beat the Islanders.

What is your favorite hockey memory?
Fearless… Seeing all those Caps fans cheering at Dulles Airport when Jaromir Jagr came to Washington.
Cheerless… Seeing all those Caps fans cheering when Jaromir Jagr was traded and left Washington.

Which team has the worst jersey? How about the worst third/specialty jersey?
Fearless… The Penguins. Who could like a dumpy, pseudo-mesomorph penguin who is skating naked on one foot?
Cheerless… besides, it looks like Crosby in mid-dive.

Roll out your favorite homemade player nickname(s).
Fearless… @#!$ing Crosby.
Cheerless… what he said.

If you could move any uprooted team (e.g. Quebec Nordiques, Hartford Whalers, etc.) back to their original home, which one would you move?
Fearless… The Kansas City Scouts, just to shut folks up about putting a team in Kansas City.
Cheerless… does moving the Penguins back to Antarctica count?

What will Jeremy Roenick’s next career move be?
Fearless… stoopid.
Cheerless… NHL Commissioner.

Have you ever stopped rooting for one hockey team and started rooting for another? If so, what made you switch?
Fearless… A Caps fan I have been, and a Caps fan I shall remain
Cheerless… Do women’s roller hockey teams count?

Who had the better mug shot, Kane or Finley?
Cheerless… the only time I hear “mug” and “shot” in the same sentence is when somebody orders a boilermaker at Lefty’s Bar.
Fearless… I just have to say that the incarceration of Joe Finley is the greatest miscarriage of justice since the invention of the contingency fee, and no, I’m not the person who made that anonymous call to the police department.

Enough of this geography crap; toss out the current divisions and propose a new divisional alignment for the league.
Cheerless… one division, 30 teams. The rest is just details.
Fearless… You’d have to have a separate division for the Penguins, because everyone knows they’re in a class of their own.
Cheerless… OK, Bettman.

Do you follow other sports besides hockey or are you a one-sport fan?
Fearless… Sure, I follow the usual suspects –ultimate Frisbee, kickball, jai-alai, equestrian cage match
Cheerless… Does lap dancing count as a sport?

Which free agent acquisition do you think will have the biggest impact on his new team?
Cheerless… Martin Gravlax
Fearless… You mean Havlat?
Cheerless… Havlat Gravlax?
Fearless… Havlat! Martin Havlat!! Gravlax is raw fish.
Cheerless… So’s Havlat

Of the five lottery teams last season (Tampa, Atlanta, NY Islanders, Phoenix, Colorado) which one(s) will make the playoffs this year?
Fearless… you could combine them, and they won’t make the playoffs.
Cheerless… They have a better chance of winning Powerball.

What is your favorite hockey reference in a non-hockey movie/TV episode? e.g. Lisa and Bart Simpson playing hockey, the famous video game scene from Swingers, etc.
Cheerless… any time there’s a fight on the 11 o’clock news, and the reporter says, “what do they think this is, a hockey game?” That cracks me up every time.
Fearless… me too! Oh, and when they show a kid on TV with missing teeth, and they say, “he must want to be a hockey player”… that has me rolling on the floor.

What player from any other team would you love to have on your team?
Cheerless… Wayne Gretzky from the 1984 Oilers.
Fearless… Bobby Orr from the 1971 Bruins.

Superlative time!
* Best one-on-one offensive player
Fearless… Evgeni Malkin
Cheerless… Don Cherry – he’s as offensive as anyone

* Best one-on-one defenseman
Fearless… Zdeno Chara
Cheerless…Ron MacLean – he has to defend Hockey Night in Canada from all the Cherry nonsense

* Best assist man
Fearless… Marc Savard
Cheerless…Lefty. He’s always right there with a refill on those boilermakers

* Best pure goal scorer
Fearless… Alex Ovechkin
Cheerless… Thomas Vanek. He had 40 goals, 24 assists – highest goals to assists ratio of any goal scorer with more than 30 goals last year.

* Power-play specialist
Fearless… Alex Ovechkin
Cheerless… Vyacheslav Kozlov. 43 of his 76 points were scored on the power play.
Fearless… you eat an NHL Record Book, cuz?
Cheerless… we ran out of jersey

* Shorthanded specialist
Fearless… Mike Richards
Cheerless… Mary Richards. She was always short a man on that TV show.

* Worst referee
Cheerless… Chris Looney
Fearless… Don’t you mean Chris “Rooney?”
Cheerless… you seen this guy work?
Fearless… yeah
Cheerless… ‘nuf said.

* Goalie when you need one save
Fearless… Roberto Luongo
Cheerless… Goldberg

* The guy a lot of people have never heard of (but should have)
Cheerless… Phil Esposito
Fearless… whaddya mean, “Phil Esposito?!” He scored 717 goals in the NHL!
Cheerless… not that one. The one who played with the Jacksonville Bullets in 1995. 225 penalty minutes in 24 games. Look it up!

* When it gets chippy
Fearless… Phil Esposito
Cheerless… good choice

* Coach for a must-win game
Fearless… Mike Babcock
Cheerless… John Tortorella, just to see him spontaneously combust when he doesn’t

* Get under your skin guy
Fearless… Sean Avery
Cheerless… Larry Brooks

* The home crowd
Fearless… Verizon Center
Cheerless… suck up.

* Worst arena to play in as a visitor
Cheerless… Verizon Center
Fearless… suck up
Cheerless… think Ted’ll invite us to his suite now?
Fearless… I don’t think he’s serving pork rinds and Schlitz, cuz.

* Worst arena to play in as the home team
Fearless… Philadelphia. They’d boo God for taking six days to create the universe.
Cheerless… Mellon Arena. The Superdome after Hurricane Katrina was a four-star hotel compared to that place.

And finally, quick picks. Do you prefer:
* Crosby or Ovechkin?
Fearless… Ovechkin
Cheerless… I thought it was Bob Hope and Crosby in those movies.

* Ovechkin or Malkin?
Fearless… Ovechkin
Cheerless… Ovechkin. Malkin is something you dunk your Colton Orr-eos in.

* Overtime or shootout?
Fearless… Overtime
Cheerless… Shootout, but only if Bettman plays goalie for both teams… naked.

* 4-on-3 or 5-on-4?
Fearless… 5-on-4
Cheerless… Can I pick 5-on-3?

* Sakic or Yzerman?
Fearless… Yzerman
Cheerless… I haven’t been to a grocery store in a while… don’t they have paper and plastic anymore?

* Kerry Fraser or Bill McCreary?
Fearless… Fraser.
Cheerless… Yeah, Fraser. Every time I look at McCreary, I think I should throw him a fish or something for balancing a puck on his nose

* Montreal Forum or Maple Leaf Gardens?
Fearless… Forum
Cheerless… Six Flags

* Roy or Brodeur?
Fearless… Roy
Cheerless… You afraid he’ll have his kid beat you up if you don’t pick him, cuz?

* Touch-up icing or no-touch icing?
Fearless… no touch-up
Cheerless… Chocolate, with sprinkles

* Fedorov or Mogilny?
Fearless… Fedorov
Cheerless… we’re picking vodkas, right?

* Top shelf or five hole?
Fearless… top shelf
Cheerless… I had to nail that five hole shut after the mice kept getting out an getting into the grits on the top shelf

* Eddie Olczyk or Pierre McGuire?
Fearless… Please tell me there’s a third choice
Cheerless… Peter Puck

* Slapshot or wrist shot?
Fearless… wrist shot
Cheerless… is wrist shot the sequel?

* Orr or Coffey?
Fearless… Orr
Cheerless… Oh, wait. I get this. Coffey, like the drink, just not spelt the same.

* Coffee or tea?
Fearless… tea
Cheerless… for what, taking the blood off the bumper of the pick up from where I hit the deer?

* Canada or Russia?
Fearless… Canada
Cheerless… Canada. It’s too long a drive in the pick up to Russia

* Miracle or Mighty Ducks?
Fearless… Miracle
Cheerless… Mighty Ducks. I love those hunting shows.

…yeah, there are really no words.