I’m so proud. Really. You all rose to the challenge and made up for the Jeff Schultz debacle with some great nicknames…so there’s only one thing to do. I’m proud to present the first (and probably last) AVFTCS Awards!

Most Popular Nickname:
Ben “Clymer? I Don’t Even Know ‘er!” (at least 7 by my count)

Second Most Popular Nickname:
Ben “I’d Rather Be Golfing” Clymer (and other variations)

Best Use of an Anagram Program:
Biff – Ben “Reel My NBC” Clymer

Most Optimistic Nickname:
Joel – Ben “I’ll Be Better Next Year” Clymer

Best Nickname from Someone Who Hates Nicknames:
Biff – Ben “The Messenger” Clymer
[Two awards...does this keep me off the Whipping Post©?]

Best Groin-Related Joke…and Best Blatant Disregard for the Rule of No Groin-Related Jokes:
Shelby – Ben “At Least I Can’t Have Any -17 Children” Clymer

Best (Worst?) Pun:
My father – Ben “Sisyphus” Clymer
Why, you ask? Because he’s “Ben Clymer” up and down that mountain his whole life (drum fill)

…these are the genes I’m working with, folks. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

But in the end there could be only one winner.

Ah, memories. We all of course remember that lovely gut-wrenching disease (literally) that was unleashed by Clymes on his unsuspecting teammates after the holidays. Extra special bonus points to Benny for then passing this superfun bug on to the Habs as well, on which I choose to blame their rapid fall from the standings ladder.

It wins because if ever there was a perfect symbol for Ben’s disastrous season…it’s gotta be an illness that keeps you in, on and around the toilet.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

But on to the real fun: our final game against the Stanley Cup Champs (and possible history makers), the Carolina Hurricanes.

So why are they possible history makers? Well, the Oilers are out of the postseason. It’s not the first time a finalist has missed the playoffs the next year – it actually happens quite a bit. BUT if the Canes should also fail to make the postseason, it would be the first time in NHL history that both finalists from the previous year missed the cut. That’s a dubious distinction if ever I heard one…and since my Habs are battling with Carolina for that final spot, I say bring on the history!

Meh. We’ll see which team shows up, right?

Just an aside, but I’ve pinpointed the #1 reason the Caps have to get better next year. It’s very simple. I’m so, so, SO tired of reading this kind of quote (courtesy of the ‘Canes site): “If somebody can show me an easy game on the schedule, let me highlight it so I can take a breath and the players can take a breath,” said Laviolette. “But the bottom line is, there aren’t any. You’ve got to be ready to play no matter who it is.”

Or this: “I think when you see a team that’s out of the playoffs and trying to play a spoiler, they can take more chances,” said Cory Stillman.

Doesn’t it feel like we’ve been hearing that kind of underhanded compliment forever? I want to hear our coach saying “no game is easy”. I want to hear our team saying things like “we can’t look past this team” or “they have nothing to lose and that makes them dangerous”. It’s coming soon, I can feel it – and I can’t wait.

Nope, not really. Actually kind of cute.

Scarier with our current president, but no.

Any owner of the exact replica is much scarier.

It would be scary if it still existed.
Extinction tends to take the edge off.

That pesky beheading potential lends a certain amount of scariness to this. But that’s not it…

Brace yourselves…

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
It’s Z-ZUBIE THE BUFFASLUG!

Now that’s terrifying. *Shudders*

Anyways.

So I have a sneaking suspicion that, back when I actually used to put work into these previews, no one read anything but the nicknames. That may be because I don’t say much worth reading…but who knows. Still, since there are no nicknames (give me a break, I’ve done about 60 of these – how many times can I make the same tired Daniel “Crackers and” Briere joke??) I’m thinking I need some incentive to get people to keep reading.

Whether it’s true or not, it gave me an idea – this is a little game called “how perceptive are you?” In the following preview I’ve hidden the name of a Washington Capital. Find it, e-mail me, and win a fabulous prize.

Actually no, I’m broke. You’ll win a cookie.

Okay, a picture of a cookie.

Er, an e-mail with the word ‘cookie’ in the body.

You know what, you greedy people? Your prize will be pride. There we go. Be like the Caps and play for pride alone. It’s fun!

Here we go…

- Buffalo comes into this game with a tenuous hold on first place in the Eastern Conference, leading the Devils by just 5 points. They’ve also dropped five of their last seven games, including three straight at home.

- Even without Ovechkin scoring in the last two games, the Caps’ offense has been clicking like crazy, outscoring their opponents 12-2 overall. Not only that but they’ve jumped out to the lead in their last three games, outscoring their opponents 6-0 in just the first twenty minutes. Their record over those three? 2-0-1. Now that’s just craziness. You mean taking a lead early gives you a better chance of winning?? Do all the teams know about this?

- No offense to Zubie, but I’d love to see someone just knock him on his rear early on in the game. It’s really for my own therapeutic needs (and god knows I need as much therapy as possible) because in my crazy, twisted mind it will solidify him as the enemy and I won’t weep everytime I see him. Grrr.

- Creaming Toronto 5-1 was a good start. A 7-1 win over Tampa was also good. But taking on a Buffalo team that remains very tough despite their recent struggles is a whole different challenge. Save for one bad period against the Sabres, though, the Caps have really held their own against high-flying Buffalo, so this should be a good one.

- Look for Semin and Fleischmann to remain on the same line, centered by a slightly improved Kris Beech. It’s hard to argue with the performance those two put on Sunday afternoon, isn’t it?

- You may remember this little incident between Ovechkin and Briere that has marred the last two meetings. It got a few headlines, nothing too major. Anyways the two guys at the center of the storm have had to play together at the All-Star Game since and appear to have buried the hatchet; still, I doubt the fans in Buffalo are about to forgive Ovie quite so quickly. I’d expect a few boos for our little Alex – he seems to thrive on it, though, so maybe he’ll snap his mini-drought.

- Martin Biron was shipped off to bottom-feeding Philly at the deadline and Conklin already got his token game during the final stretch, so I’d expect to see Miller between the pipes. As for the Caps – it’s gotta be Olie. You don’t mess with a hot goalie, and he’s been phenomenal since coming back from injury.

- Each team has scored ten goals against the other over the last two games between the Caps and Sabres. However…that was before the Age of Jurcina. Bring on Le Petit Briere. (I am, however, picturing 2 shots on goal by Zubie. And 15 missed shots.)

- Road wins have proven to be hard to get for the Caps lately, whose woes away from Verizon Center suddenly ramped up after a surprisingly good start to the season. They come into Buffalo seeking just their 11th road win, their 10 so far putting them one ahead of last place buddies Florida and Calgary and even with LA.

Did you find it?

Here’s a hint…have you submitted your nickname yet? Just 12 hours to go before the deadline, get to brainstorming!

- Per the Washington Post, Ben Clymer wasn’t benched in last night’s game. That’s the good news.

The bad news? He pulled a groin muscle. Ouch.

That’s it, that’s the final straw. I think we need to pack the entire team in a germ-free, shock-resistant layer of bubble wrap so that no one else gets hurt or sick from now until the end of the season. If they’re going to lose all 11 remaining games, I want every single one of them in there to feel every gut-wrenching second. Let them bottle that frustration up and when next season rolls around take it out on all the teams who embarrassed them this year.

A Cheap Seats note: Please try to avoid any groin-related nicknames. We’re keeping it clean, people…

- Here’s a dubious distinction – the Caps have lost nine straight, their longest losing streak since 1981-82, when they dropped thirteen straight. That’s not a record we need to see repeated, so let’s see if they can’t win one tonight…

This final Leafs’ game seems as good a time as any to admit something that is very painful and traumatic to me. It’s something I’ve had to struggle with for many years since, and I can’t hold it in any longer.

I, dear friends…am a recovering Leafs fan.

I won’t blame you if you click away in disgust. It’s okay. But please, please let me explain myself before you judge me.

You see, this whole insanity started when the Caps acquired a young defenseman from the Hartford Whalers in the summer of 1991 by the name of Sylvain Cote. Now this may sound odd, but I LOVED Cote. Looking back I don’t really know why. Maybe it was because he wasn’t an obvious choice, my love of the underappreciated underdog continuing to this day. Maybe it was because of the way he used to skate with his tongue sticking out. Maybe it was simply because I had a little replica “jersey” t-shirt with his name on it, courtesy of the Junior Capitals Fan Club.

Whatever the reason, I became enamored with Sylvain, a sentiment that would span over a decade. I didn’t care that he had one, maybe two good seasons with the Caps. I didn’t care that the guys sitting around us at games regularly referred to him as “Sylvia”. I proudly wore my ‘Cote’ jersey, by then a real one, to every game. I held my head high as others laughed, taking particular delight in nudging me whenever Cote messed up. I didn’t care. I was sticking by Coco for better or for worse.

Then came that fateful day during the ’97-’98 season when Cote was traded away to Toronto. I was heartbroken. Sure, I had seen others come and go, so many players that I had grown to love and that I missed terribly. But Cote was the first one I had formed an attachment to, and I decided right then and there that my loyalty to him would not end just because he played for another team – I saw it as a technicality at best.

My dad, as you can imagine, was not thrilled.

So I started to follow Toronto. I got to know the players’ names and developed an affection for them that was only rivaled by my beloved Caps. I called Sundin “Sundini”…why, I have no idea, but to this day I call him that in my head, even while cursing him aloud. I had a bizarre fascination with Tie Domi, whom my father referred to as “Bullethead” just to annoy me. Steve Thomas, Sergei Berezin, Bryan Berard, Yanic Perreault and of course, CuJo – all remain among my all-time favorites to this day, and all because of a little underappreciated d-man from Quebec.

Cote’s tenure in TO was short-lived, lasting just over a season. I trotted right alongside him as he moved on to Chicago, then Dallas, then back to Toronto before making his triumphant return to DC for the final three years of his career. His return to the Caps coincided with my arrival in Montreal, thus ending for good my brief hiatus into LeafsNation and hearkening a return to sanity.

It’s funny, looking back now I don’t remember having any particular animosity towards Montreal, Ottawa, or any other Leafs’ rivals – that probably means I never got fully sucked in and am probably a better person for it. Still, I look back with fondness at my short time with the Leafs. They were a different team then; save for Sundin and more recently Yanic Perreault, everyone from those two years has either moved on to other teams or retired, so I feel I can eye the current roster disdainfully without being a total hypocrite.

And that’s my horrible confession. I hope you don’t judge me too harshly…

Damn, I hope they don’t make me turn in my Canadiens flag.

People, people, people. I’m so disappointed. Here I give you a golden opportunity to do something that frankly I haven’t been able to do all year long, and that is to give Jeff Schultz a nickname. Judging by the entries to the first nickname contest, I was hoping for a bit more pizzazz, a bit more creativity, a bit more oomph.

Actually, I was just hoping for a bit more, period – the number of entries was paltry compared to last time. I’m so disappointed I’m not even going to do nicknames of my own. See what you’ve done? You’ve disappointed someone whose life, as a Caps fan, has been wrought with disappointment. I didn’t think it was possible.

*Sigh* I guess I should pick a winner…there were actually some good ones (I’ll refrain from pointing at and mocking the entries I didn’t like) and after poring over the submissions I’ve decided it’s a tie:

Winner #1: Cathy, with her entry of Jeff “The Calgary Tower” Schultz
and
Winner #2: Biff, with his somewhat reluctant entry (nicknames are fun, Biff, admit it!) of Jeff “Peanut” Schultz

[Incidentally, I had a handful of other entries that were very similar to these two, but the winners had a little extra something sprinkled in to set them apart. And if you don't like it...well, tough. The Emperess has spoken.]

Okay, just because I’m feeling beneficent, here’s ONE nickname for the Caps-Leafs showdown: Darcy “Mother” Tucker. It just makes me laugh every time – it’s good that I at least crack myself up, right?

I’m willing to give you all another try – not because I’m so giving and kind-hearted, but because frankly what the heck else are we going to do between now and the end of the season?

I’m giving you a nice long cushion to come up with something spectacular – the deadline for entries is midnight on Wednesday, March 21. The winner will (hopefully) join my nicknames in the preview for the final meeting between the Caps and the Stanley Cup Champs on the 22nd. Again, and I can’t stress this enough, CREATIVITY IS KEY. Don’t let me down!

Oh, yeah – go Caps.